


Consequences

by mechan_ism



Series: Erosion [2]
Category: B.A.P, Boys Republic (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, Heartache, M/M, Slight Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-08 22:25:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5515520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mechan_ism/pseuds/mechan_ism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daehyun regrets his decisions; is it too late to take everything back?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Falling Down

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to Sandcastles. I suggest you read that first.

Daehyun is twenty-six when he drops everything and books a flight to Jeju Island.  He’s heard that Youngjae called off his engagement to Himchan and rushes through everything without even thinking.  He’s calling Youngjae constantly, letting out a frustrated grunt when he is brought to the younger’s voicemail once again.  In desperation, he decides to call the other’s mother.  His breath hitches when he hears the woman reveal Youngjae’s location, his voice eager and excited as he thanks her and scurries over to the computer to book the next flight over. 

Daehyun is running around the apartment, throwing various items into his suitcase as the adrenaline pumps through his veins.  He can barely even register all that is happening, and God, is he really doing this?  To anyone else, dropping everything to chase after a man who probably doesn’t even want him is crazy, stupid even.  But Daehyun doesn’t care at this point.  He sees this as an opportunity, one where he is given a second chance in making things right.  He’s fucked up everything in the past, letting his stupid fears blind him in his own decisions, but not this time. He’s got to at least try, or else it would eat at him for the rest of his life.  

Youngjae’s mother told him where he is staying and Daehyun absentmindedly reserves a room in the same hotel.  He’s sitting on his bed, a nervous wreck as he combs his fingers through his hair, a crumpled paper held tightly in his hands.  He spent the entirety of the flight thinking of what to say, what to do.  With the rush of everything, he didn’t figure it all out and thought it would just somehow come to him.  But now that he is actually here on Jeju Island, the severity of it all finally sets in and Daehyun is getting cold feet.  He is terrified of what might come, of what Youngjae will say.  Just the very thought of rejection makes him go weak in the knees. Daehyun’s afraid he’s used up all of Youngjae’s forgiveness, with nothing but hatred left in the game.  He doesn’t even know to approach the younger, how to even start.  

_Hey Youngjae, I know I’ve fucked up but I really love you and I want to start over.  Oh, and sorry for breaking your heart so many times, but you’ll forgive me, right?_

Daehyun grunts as he crumples the paper once more and throws it to the side, his face resting in the palms of his hands.  He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing and has half a mind to just forget everything and return home, but there is something inside him telling him to stay, to give this one more shot.  At least he can say he’s tried.

Daehyun grabs his coat and heads out, stopping at the local flower shop to buy Youngjae a bouquet of roses because hey, why not?  He’s sure that nothing he does can make anything worse and supposes he could use all he has to strengthen his chances.  When he makes it to the beach, he finds it empty, a minor setback in his whole grand scheme.  Daehyun was hoping that Youngjae would per chance already be there, the stars somehow all aligning in his favor.  But it’s not that big of a deal, he can wait there until Youngjae comes, because he is worth it.

Daehyun makes his way down the beach, his toes curling as he feels the tiny grains of sand between his toes.  He plops his body down, his hands running through the sand as he inhales heavily, his knees brought up to his chest.  He looks out to the ocean and watches as images play in his mind: of two small children playing in the small sand box, of teenagers huddled under the umbrella as they laugh and joke around.  There is a bittersweet smile pressed onto Daehyun’s lips as he can feel his body crumble into itself.  Everything used to be so perfect, until he messed it all up.  Daehyun gave into his fears, and he hates himself for that.  He’s crushed the dreams and hopes of the man who has done nothing but love him.  He’s had happiness and love rolled up in the perfect package, all placed before him.  But Daehyun was too naive, too careless.  And when he finally realized his own feelings, everything was gone.  In the blink of an eye, Daehyun lost both his best friend and the man he had been in love with all his life.  He was just stupid to not notice till now, and it tears Daehyun up to even think of what he had done to Youngjae.  He was cruel, a monster.  He pushed the younger away to the point of breaking, to the point that their friendship now rests on a bed of thorns and needles. 

Daehyun shakes his head as he tries to drown out those thoughts as he attempts to busy himself with something, _anything_ , that will keep him from throwing himself in the ocean for all the shit he’s done.  He darts his head around to keep his mind occupied, until his eyes catch onto a man selling pails and shovels, all of different colors and hues.  There is a light that flickers behind Daehyun’s eyes as he quickly gets up and buys a few of the supplies from the man.  He smiles warmly at the items in his hands, his mind working swiftly to devise sandcastles built high into the air.  He jogs back to his spot before immediately pushing sand into his buckets, meticulously carving and sculpting his masterpiece: a symbol of what they are.  

Daehyun wipes the sweat off his brow as he stands, tiny grains of sand falling from his clothes.  He smiles as he looks at the perimeter of castles he’s constructed, the beautiful towers and landscapes he’s created while waiting for Youngjae.  He looks at his watch to catch the time; he’s been there for a little over three hours.  But it’s okay, because Daehyun is willing to wait.  He picks up the roses and runs his hands over his clothes, trying to make himself presentable.  He’s fidgeting, and he knows it as he spins around, throwing his arms to the side as he waits patiently for the younger.  But with one last twirl, Daehyun’s breath is caught in his throat when his eyes lock onto the figure before him. 

“What are you doing here?”  Youngjae asks.  “Those aren’t for me, are they?” 

There is a coldness in his voice and Daehyun shivers at the sound of it.  He cringes when he realizes this is what they’ve become, this is what they are.  He knows he deserves nothing from Youngjae, but it still hurts nonetheless, like a knife carving slits into his heart.

“It’s too much, huh?” Daehyun asks sheepishly as he drops his arms, the bouquet loosely held among his fingertips. 

Youngjae nods his head.  “How did you even know I was here?”

“Your mom…” Daehyun trails off.  “I heard you’ve called off your engagement.”  His eyes are expectant and clear, a tinge of hope laced within his weary voice as he looks to the younger. 

“I didn’t do it for you.  I did it for Himchan, he deserves better than me,” Youngjae says, cold and unapproachable.

“Oh,” Daehyun says sadly, his head dropping a bit.  He’s never felt his heart collapse upon itself so fast, like he’s just barely hanging on.  He can feel his chest tighten and his shoulders slump, tears brimming in his eyes, _because he is too late_.  

“Daehyun, I hope you know that this isn’t a sign that I want to be with you.  You’ve hurt me, so many times.  You knew how I felt, yet you’ve ignored my feelings and did as you pleased.  I’ve always secretly waited for you to tell me you love me, but you never did.” 

“I know.  I know I fucked up.  I can’t take back everything I’ve done, all I can do now is try and make it up to you, if you’d give me the chance.  I know that I can make you happy, I really do love you, Youngjae, and I hate myself for only telling you this now, but I don’t think I can imagine my life without you.  I’m willing to do anything it takes to have your forgiveness, and to give me another chance,” Daehyun pleads one last time as he steps closer, his knees almost giving out when he sees Youngjae retreat. 

“I can’t, not now.  We’ve got too much between us and even though I still love you, we can’t.”

“But--” Daehyun starts to say frantically, ready to protest and beg, until his eyes catch Youngjae smiling sadly as a tear falls down his face. 

“You were my best friend, and I love you.  But we, _us_ ,” the younger shakes his head as he presses his lips into a thin line.  His eyes are looking above as he wipes beneath his eyes, mouth now hanging as his lips tremble. 

“I’m sorry,” Youngjae tells Daehyun one last time before he turns and walks away. 

Daehyun freezes as he’s met with the younger’s back disappearing before him.  His mind is lost as the only emotion he can recognize is pain and anger.  In a fit of self hatred, Daehyun grips on the roses, smashing them to the ground over and over.  He is frustrated of how things have turned out, at how he was so fucking stupid to let everything end like this.  He blames himself; he is the monster he’s created, ruining the very relationship he cherished so much. 

There are red petals scattered along the sand, some drifting off into the ocean.  Daehyun starts to kick at the sandcastles, grunting and screaming as wind blows the tiny grains into the air.  He all but crumbles in his own destruction, his chest so heavy that he can hardly breathe.  It hurts, he thinks, as he looks to the spot where Youngjae stood, now empty except for the footprints in the sand being washed away.  Daehyun closes his eyes and thinks back to times before this, when they were only kids and didn’t know the terrors of heartache.  He wishes so hard that he could rewind time, that he could stop himself from making such a horrible mistake.  But this is reality, one that Daehyun created.  It is his fault that it all ended so baldy, with Youngjae gone and Daehyun left behind.  They promised to be together, to never leave one behind.  But Daehyun had broken that promise far too many times, and Youngjae finally got tired of all his bullshit. 

It’s funny how the heart works, Daehyun thinks as he’s laying flat in the sand, the waves tickling against his hair.  He doesn’t know how long he’s been there since Youngjae’s left, but it’s dark outside and Daehyun doesn’t seem to care.  If only he had realized his feelings sooner, if only he hadn’t been such an ass, if only he had the courage to take Youngjae’s hand when the younger had offered it to him so many times.  They were so close, yet so far, Daehyun being the one to widen the gap every time he broke Youngjae’s heart.  And now Daehyun supposes that he has to deal with the consequences, no matter how bad they are.  Because this was what he wanted, right?  He tried to preserve their friendship, protect it.  But his plan was doomed from the start.  Friendships never last when love gets mixed into the picture.

*          *          *

Daehyun is twenty-six and a half when he realizes how much he’s fucked up. He misses Youngjae, he is all that he can think about.  They’ve cut contact after that night at the beach.  No one will tell him where he is or what he’s doing.  He’s even gotten desperate and called the younger’s mother once again, but even that turned out to be a dead end.  Youngjae has disappeared from his life, and he has himself to thank for that.  

Daehyun stretches his body out on the mattress, his hands gripping at the sheets. He shivers when his skin meets the coldness of the space before him, a space that should have been filled with Youngjae’s body.  He’s imagined time and time again of how their lives could have been.  How he would hold Youngjae’s body in his arms, so close that the younger would start complaining.  Daehyun would kiss the spot behind his ear, his lips moving lower until they would be making love, the elder repeatedly telling Youngjae how much he loves him.  After they’ve finished, they’d fall back into the sheets with Daehyun’s arms draped over his lover’s waist.  He’d then wake up to a strong aroma from the kitchen the next morning, a bountiful breakfast prepared by the younger.  He’d smile when he would see Youngjae working diligently on their meal, wrapping his arms around the younger in a surprise as he whispered ‘good morning’ in Youngjae’s ear.  Youngjae would blush and Daehyun would kiss his nose before he moved away.  He’d sit at the table and admire his lover, smiling every now and then when he’d catch Youngjae looking back at him with a blush.  

But then Daehyun would be brought back to reality, one where his dreams would never exist.  He can feel his breath hitching when he comes to terms with it all, his fists clenching as he moves to his side and curls into himself.  He stares into the darkness, his eyes hollow and blank.  It’s nights like these when Daehyun truly realizes how shitty his life is.  It’s become a never ending cycle of work, school, and sleeping.  He’s picked up more jobs to drown himself in something other than thoughts of Youngjae. He tries to busy himself as much as he can so he can momentarily forget all the shit he’s done; of all the times he’s messed up.  But there are times when his cycle doesn’t work and he’s wide awake in his empty bed.  He’s quiet and unsure of himself, wondering what Youngjae could be doing now.  Daehyun supposes that the younger is moving on, mending the wounds that Daehyun had caused.  He thinks that Youngjae is slowly trying to forget the elder, where Daehyun’s mind is filled with nothing but Youngjae.  

Daehyun misses him, his company.  He misses just having him around, to have someone to talk to.  After all, they were best friends, but Daehyun messed that all up.  He couldn’t even own up to his words after rejecting Youngjae.  He thought he was doing the right thing, but Daehyun had never been so wrong in his life.  He started to develop these feelings out of nowhere since Youngjae confessed, but now Daehyun knows that it was him being more self aware of the feelings that were always there.  It only heightened when Youngjae started dating Himchan.  Daehyun tried to be happy for his friend, he truly did, but as time went on, he couldn’t lie to himself anymore.  He started to hate Himchan, hate how he had taken Youngjae away from him.  Daehyun started to wish that he would be in his position, kissing Youngjae, fucking Youngjae, _loving_ Youngjae.  He blamed Himchan for ruining his relationship with Youngjae, but only now does he realize that it was his own fault.  Himchan was only the scapegoat to his misery, to his bleeding heart that continued to break as time went on. 

Daehyun was the one who pushed the younger away, he was the one who canceled all the time, he was the one who got wasted every day, sleeping with people to drown out the void in his heart.  Daehyun was the one who ruined their relationship, the one that he sacrificed everything to protect.  He thought he was doing the right thing, to save the only real relationship he has left, but in doing so, he turned into a monster.  He denied himself his only true chance of happiness.  It was like his body was self destructing, making his life a living hell since he couldn’t be happy.

It wasn’t until he had found out that Youngjae was getting married that it all set in.  All his emotions and pent up frustration boiled over in that one instance when he saw Youngjae in their apartment for the last time.  They were timid towards each other, neither able to look each other in the eyes.  Then, Daehyun cracked.  He realized that he couldn’t do this anymore, he couldn’t continue to lie to himself.  He was in love with Youngjae, and let those very words spill out of his mouth.  The tears just fell on their own as the reality of everything set in at that moment.  He didn’t mean to cry, to break down and beg for Youngjae to not get married, but it all happened so quickly, and before he could even take a breath, the words were already spoken.  He knew that he should have kept it in, that he should have never told Youngjae of his feelings, but it felt like something was bursting at his chest.  If felt like he wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore if he kept it in, like a live saving confession before his life would end. 

_But Daehyun was too late._

And now, he has to live with the consequences of his actions, no mater how much his heart feels like dying.  He’s thought about running away, of moving to America or England and start a new life, but Daehyun knows deep down that there would be no life if Youngjae were no longer in it.  Because Youngjae is so ingrained into his heart that there is nothing he could do to remove it.  At least in Korea, they could run into each other by chance.  Daehyun found himself to be very optimistic, especially in times like these when hope and love seem to be nothing but a fleeting dream for him.

Now he’s left in his apartment that feels all too big for a single man moping over the one man he promised would never lose.  He can hear his phone buzzing on the night stand, but chooses to ignore it.  He’s isolated himself enough, and had given up on socializing.  He didn’t need any of that, he supposes, because who would want to be friends with someone who only ruins relationships?  At least, that’s what he thinks before he falls asleep after downing another bottle of soju, the glass bottle slipping from his fingertips and clambering onto the floor. 

*          *          * 

Daehyun is twenty-seven when he meets Suwoong again.  Daehyun is at a bar on one of the few nights he decides getting wasted and fucking is a better option than staying at home.  He tries to tell himself that it helps with trying to forget Youngjae, and he’s right, until he wakes up with a hangover and regrets everything all over again. 

He’s been there for an hour or so, sipping at his brandy from time to time.  He’s never liked the taste of the harder liquors, but figures that it’s a good night to get fucked up.  His eyes scour over the people around him, until someone pulls up the chair and sits next to him. 

When Daehyun looks up, he can feel his cheeks start to warm when the man smiles.  “Long time no see,” the younger tells him.  Daehyun’s eyes are wide as he looks the man, quickly ducking his head down when he sees the other trying to reach for him, his arm instantly moving. 

“Suwoong,” Daehyun says as he starts to sit up, his fingers tapping at the counter.  He tries to avoid eye contact, but the other only laughs at this.  The elder jumps a bit when he feels the younger’s hand on his own, goose bumps trailing along his skin.

“How have you been?” the younger asks as he moves closer, his other hand brushing along Daehyun’s thigh.  The elder tries to move away, but Suwoong has closed the distance enough to retrain Daehyun from getting too far.  He catches glimpses of his ex lover, how his bleached hair dropped down into dark hues of brown and black.  Daehyun grinned to himself as he let out a small sigh, he is still as handsome as ever.  

“Stop that,” Daehyun warns, his hands grabbing at Suwoong’s wrists to push them away. 

“You’re no fun,” the younger laughs.  “Have you missed me?”  Suwoong leans onto the counter, placing his hand beneath his chin as he stares playfully at the other.  Daehyun wallows thickly as the alcohol starts to cloud his vision, his heart beat racing when he watches the younger stick his tongue out to swipe at his bottom lip. 

 “Who knows.  Last I remember, you wanted nothing to do with me,” the elder says as he downs the rest of his glass, slamming it against the table.  He shakes his head as he bites his lip, trying to make things out and set his mind straight.  But the younger’s touches are so soothing and nice, making it harder for Daehyun to resist.

“Aw, hyung.  I was too young then, I didn’t know what I wanted.”

 “And what about now?” Daehyun asks as he waves over to the bartender, tapping his fingers at his glass to signal for another round of brandy. 

“I’ve missed you, hyung.  Everything about you, I could never find anyone as good as you.  You treated me so well, I think I’ve never stopped loving you.  It must have been fate that brought us together today, I really wanted to see you again,” Suwoong croons as he drags his finger lightly over Daehyun’s arm, his knees pushing into the elder’s groin.  

“You said you hated me, that you never wanted to see me again.  If you still loved me, why didn’t you even call?  I was fucking miserable when we broke up,” Daehyun says as he lightheartedly tries to push the other away, his attempts becoming weaker and weaker.  With lidded eyes, he looks at his ex lover and is still so unsure of things.  But Suwoong wants him, Daehyun is sure of that.  And it’s been so long since Daehyun had ever felt wanted, needed, _loved._ The younger’s presence alone is making Daehyun’s emotions fizzle into lust and desire, his mind deducing that maybe it okay to give in this one time.  Suwoong is the only person that the elder has ever loved besides Youngjae, just one night together wouldn’t hurt, right?

“I was ashamed.  I was too prideful to take back everything I said and come crawling back to you.  But it’s always been you, Daehyunnie.  I’ve never stopped thinking about you.  I love you.”

And then, there are lips upon Daehyun’s, and the elder doesn’t know if it’s because he is drunk or because he can feel an erection growing in his pants that he doesn’t stop Suwoong.  But it all feels too good to stop, and Daehyun lets him continue, opening his mouth to let his tongue slip through.  It’s been so long since he’s heard those words, felt a rush of excitement creep into his body.  His fingers are moving on their own as his mind is hazed out, his resolve quickly weakening.  He’s missed this, the feeling of being wanted.  This is more than just a kiss, Daehyun thinks, more than just a one-night stand.  Suwoong wants him, craves for him, after so many years.  Just this once, Daehyun thinks it’s okay to let loose, let himself be taken care of, _loved._   After all, this is what he wanted.  He came here to forget Youngjae, and what better way than through an old lover? 

*          *          * 

Daehyun is twenty-seven and a half when he starts dating Suwoong again.  They meet more times to fuck, the two falling into a convenient relationship.  They start to go out together, eating at restaurants and watching movies.  Daehyun starts to smile like he used to, laugh like he used to.  He finds Suwoong’s company endearing as it starts to fill the void left in his heart.  He finds their little get-togethers nice and convenient, the new form of socializing making Daehyun realize that he has a life and should start living it. 

But it’s not love, Daehyun is sure.  Because he doesn’t look at the younger the same way he does.  He doesn’t feel the urge to wrap him up in his arms and pull him into his chest.  He doesn’t reach for Suwoong, or grab at his hand.  He doesn’t do any of those things because he is still so much in love with Youngjae that it hurts.  Daehyun just misses the company, the stability.  He misses having someone in his life again, to wake up to someone in his bed, to have someone pining for his love.  And that’s why he keeps the younger around, leading him on to fulfill his selfish desires.

One night, as he watches over Suwoong curled into his chest, he wonders how he had become so cruel.  The younger asked the terms of their relationship, and Daehyun couldn’t answer.  The elder could see the hurt on Suwoong’s eyes, the pain and devastation.  Daehyun’s body cringed when he recognized them as the same eyes that were upon Youngjae’s when he rejected him time and time again.  Daehyun couldn’t find it in himself to refuse someone again, not when they looked so broken.  And so Daehyun kissed the younger and smiled an empty smile.  

“Do you love me?” the younger asks as he buries his head into the elder’s chest, his fingers trailing into his skin.

Daehyun’s voice is caught in his throat as he tries to find the words to answer.  _No,_ he wants to say.  But he can’t do that again, he can’t ruin another relationship.  Suwoong is kind and the elder does enjoy his company, but he doesn’t love him.  His heart still belongs to Youngjae, but Daehyun doesn’t have the guts to reject someone once again.  So he lies and tells the younger that he does, kissing Suwoong to keep him from talking. 

And as he looks upon his lover, Daehyun bites his lips as he tries not the imagine Youngjae in his arms rather than Suwoong.  His voice hitches as he feels the first tear start to roll down his face, a faint whimper brushing past his lips.  _This is supposed to be us,_ he thinks as he hides his face into the pillows.  He can’t help but feel his whole body crash onto itself as he shudders, his mind running through pictures of Youngjae over and over.  

But Daehyun can’t find it in heart to break things off with Suwoong.  The younger loves him, he _needs_ him.  He’s all Daehyun has to coming even close to having someone back into his life.  He’s been alone for too long, wasting away in his own self hatred.  Suwoong would be his ticket out; to have someone to wake up to, to have someone in his life.  And who knows, maybe Daehyun can love the younger again and finally move on.  But Daehyun knows that that is a lie because he is still so much in love with Youngjae that he can’t even look at Suwoong without being reminded of what could have been.  But the elder supposes it’s okay for now, since he’s gotten all that’s he’s asked for, even though it isn’t Youngjae beside him.  At least Suwoong loves him, but Daehyun doesn’t know how long that will keep him from breaking down because even now with his lover in his arms, his heart still breaks over the thought of Youngjae not being there to take Suwoong’s place.

Daehyun knows this is wrong, selfish even.  But he had always been a selfish fool, whether it be Youngjae or Suwoong.  No matter what he does, Daehyun will always hurt someone.  But maybe this time, at least he can make someone happy for a little while, until he cracks and decides he can’t take it anymore.  Daehyun hopes that will never happen, but he’s found that his hopes are only a fool’s dream as they never come true, only the sad reality of pain heartache ready to set his fate.  Maybe Daehyun can learn to become a good actor, keeping his true feelings at bay and project happiness onto others.  But there is always a breaking point, Daehyun knows this fact too well.  He only hopes that it won’t happen too soon, or when they’ve finally ended this relationship.  But hope is always fleeting, and Daehyun is stupid for always trying to believe in it.


	2. Getting Up

Daehyun is thirty when he is pressured by everything and everyone, and proposes to Sunwoong even though he knows he still loves Youngjae.  They have been dating for more than three years, and it still surprises Daehyun that they’ve made it this far.  There’s been so many times where he had to bite his tongue to stop himself from moaning Youngjae’s name, or to swallow hard as he forced himself to not break down and reveal everything at his lover’s feet.

He really tried to fall in love with Suwoong, but nothing seemed to have changed.  He’s just learned to become a better liar, to himself and to those around him.  He’s told people that he’s happy, that he loves Suwoong, but those are all fabrications of the truth that he can never admit.  And as he gets older, his parents are pestering him about when he’s going to get married, when he’s going to finally have some stability in his life.  Daehyun can’t forget the way his mother seemed so happy to see her son in an actual relationship again.  He can’t just ruin everything for his family, for Suwoong.  Because the younger has invested so much of himself into Daehyun, that it would be cruel to pull out now. 

Suwoong tells Daehyun of his hopes and dreams, of how he wants to adopt some children and raise them together with Daehyun.  The younger tells Daehyun of how much he loves him, of how much he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with him.  Suwoong trusts Daehyun, he loves the elder completely and it kills Daehyun to have to smile and pretend that everything is okay.  But he’s breaking inside, he feels like any moment he could fall and break down.  He hates what he’s doing to Suwoong, the hope and love that powers through the younger’s bright eyes.  It’s suffocating, Daehyun thinks.  He can barely breathe in his own home, his every word now laced with lies as he tries to brave through every day.  It’s like living has become a chore, He can’t find it in himself to break things off with Suwoong, not when the younger is so happy.  Maybe he can be happy for the both of them, since Daehyun is slowly dying inside.

But the pressure of everything became too much.  His parents were growing weary and wanted Daehyun to take over their family business, along with a spouse to help him along the way.  They’ve commented on his own growing age and how he isn’t getting any younger, how he should grab at the chance and marry Suwoong right away.  Daehyun always tries to dodge the bullet and avoid those questions, but now even Suwoong is joining in and Daehyun can no longer avoid them forever.  He’s left with two options, but Daehyun is too much of a coward to leave now, when it’s come this far.

He puts on a fake smile and bends one knee as he presents a ring that his mother forced him to buy.  He hugs his new fiancé at their family dinner and tries not to cringe when Suwoong tells him how happy he is.  Because Daehyun doesn’t even love him and he doesn’t deserve to be loved.  He’s been stringing Suwoong on for years and had hoped that one day he could muster up the courage to end things, but it never happened.  He is too afraid to give up what he has; he is a coward and could never face anything head on.  And now Daehyun has to deal with the consequences of everything, even if it means that he’ll be stuck in a marriage when he still loves another.

Fate is too cruel, he thinks.  But who is he to complain when he is the one who let things happen?  Daehyun had so many choices, and regrets every single one he’s made.

*          *          *

Daehyun is thirty-one when he is nursing a bruised cheek after calling off his engagement. Daehyun cracks one day when they’re at the boutique to pick out their tuxedos for the wedding.  He sits there as his fiancé and mother talk over everything, plan every single detail of a life he’s never wanted to live.  And then, he breaks.  He starts to scream and yell and it takes Suwoong everything to drag the elder into the bathroom and away from the wandering eyes of those in the store.

Daehyun just stands there and stares at the wall, his back facing the younger.  He bangs his fists against the wall as he realizes he is still so much in love with Youngjae that it hurts to the point that he can’t even breathe.  He is inhaling oxygen in broken intervals, his lover silently waiting behind him.  There is a chilling silence that overtakes them, and the elder doesn’t know how to break it.  He’s scared of the outcome, of breaking the younger’s heart.  His body cringes when he imagines tears in his lover’s eyes, his body giving out beneath him.  But he has to do this, he’s been selfish enough.

“I can’t do this,” Daehyun cries out as he bites his lip, his body shaking. 

“What do you mean?” Suwoong asks, barely over a whisper.

“I don’t love you,” Daehyun admits, his words so cold that he clenches his fists and closes his eyes, his own heart breaking at the severity of the situation.

Silence.

Neither know what to do or say, but in a fit of anger, Suwoong grabs the elder’s shoulder and punches him across the face.  Daehyun is now on the ground, his hand raised to grip at his swelling cheek as he looks up to the other.  There are tears streaming down Suwoong’s face, and Daehyun almost reaches up to him, but then quickly retracts because he has no right.  Daehyun knows that he deserves this, and more.  He’s been a jerk, searching for solace in Suwoong when he doesn’t even love him.  He waits for another blow to his face, but nothing comes.  The younger is held in his spot, his shoulders hunched as his form shakes, earth shattering cries ringing in Daehyun’s ears. 

“You fucking asshole!  How could you, after three fucking years, you decide to end it when we’re about to get married?  The wedding is in a month, Daehyun.  How could you just lead me on like that?  I gave you everything.  You, you said that you loved me.  Was everything a lie?” Suwoong falls to his knees as he cups his face into his hands, his voice giving out as he finishes his sentence. 

Daehyun just sits there as he stares at the broken figure before him.  He’s played the villain in two love stories now, but at least this time he’s done something good.  He’s let Suwoong go because he doesn’t deserve to be stuck in a marriage where Daehyun can’t return his feelings.  It would be too cruel.  This would be Daehyun’s last act of kindness towards Suwoong, even if the younger doesn’t recognize it.

“Is it Youngjae?” the younger scoffs.  “Do you still love him even after all this time?”

“How did you--”

“I’m not fucking stupid, hyung.  Whenever I asked you about him, you’d always freeze and try to change the subject.  You thought you were hiding everything well, but there were times you’d slip and call out to him in your sleep.  I always forgave you, because you said you loved me.  I believed in your fucking lies and even now when I’m here, pouring my heart out to you, you’re still in love with Youngjae?”

Daehyun closes his eyes as he swallows thickly.  He knows the answer well, but can’t find the words to speak.  “Yes,” he says solemnly after he’s had his mouth held agape for so long, his bottom lip trembling when he looks upon Suwoong so crestfallen that he almost takes everything back.  But he can’t do that, it would be too cruel, even more that what he had been doing for the past couple of years.

Before he can even open his eyes and apologize, there is a slam at the door and his lover is gone.  He sighs heavily when he looks upon the white walls of the bathroom, his body heavy as he leans further into the tiles.  Daehyun doesn’t know if he should feel relieved, but his body is limp and he can’t feel anything.  The repercussions of everything have taken their toll on Daehyun as his mind goes blank with guilt and remorse.  He knows he should have ended their relationship sooner before things got too far, and he hates himself for only doing it now, but it was the right thing, right?

Daehyun blinks up with tears in his eyes as he hears his mother suddenly yelling at him, hitting her son as he tells him to chase after Suwoong and apologize.  But Daehyun’s ears soon drown everything out as he only stares blankly at his mother.  He starts to scratch at his skin as the tears continue to fall and his cries start to get louder and louder.  His mother stops hitting him and now looks upon him with worry as Daehyun curls his knees into his chest. 

“Daehyunnie, what’s wrong?” the woman asks as she rubs soothing circles into Daehyun’s thigh.

“I’m sorry, mom, I’m sorry,” he manages to say through broken breaths.  “I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I still, I still love him.”

“Youngjae?” the woman says with an understanding tone, her son now wrapped into her arms.

“I messed up and now I’ve ruined Suwoong’s life too.  What the fuck is wrong with me?” Daehyun yells into her chest, the tears falling into her shirt.  He grabs at the fabric of her clothes, clinging onto the only person in the world who doesn’t hate him.  He’s reduced himself back into a child, yearning for his mother’s words of forgiveness because it’s the only thing left he has between himself and insanity.

“Nothing is wrong with you, baby.  You’re just heartbroken is all, and when people are heartbroken, they don’t think things through.  You’re going to be okay sweetie, you’ve done nothing wrong,” his mother quietly says as she soothes her son.

“Mom, I, I don’t know what to do anymore.  Just breathing is hard for me, I--”

“Shh, don’t say anything.  You just cry okay?  I’m here for you, baby.  Everything is going to be alright.”

Daehyun nods his head and sniffles into his mother’s shirt.  He tries to close his eyes and let her calm him down, but he isn’t a child anymore, no matter how much Daehyun wants to pretend that he is.  Her sweet words and kind voice won’t make everything go away.  Because no matter what, this is the reality that Daehyun chose, and nothing can change that.  He’s broken the hearts of two men, his own being the most shattered of all.  He’s tried so many times to pick up the pieces and somehow put himself together, but he couldn’t.  Every piece holds a memory of Youngjae, and sooner or later, Daehyun’s fingers slip and his heart is broken once again.  He doesn’t know when this will all end, when he will learn how to live every day like he used to.  But it’s hard, Daehyun thinks, when he’s so in love with Youngjae that every second without him makes Daehyun regret every decision he’s ever made.

*          *          *

Daehyun is thirty-four when alcohol has become his best friend. Every night after work, he’d come home and grab a pack out of his refrigerator, curling himself up in the corner as the alcohol lulls him to sleep.  He’s taken over his family’s company, working nonstop on projects and joint ventures.  Through the years, Daehyun has learned to mask his feelings, portraying himself as a well put together businessman, but when he comes home, everything changes. 

He still hears Youngjae’s voice in his head, as if nothing has changed.  He plays tricks on his mind as he looks into the empty room, visions of their would be future running through his mind.  This time Youngjae is running through the room, trying to get away from Daehyun who is chasing him with a spoon full of cream.  They’re laughing and smiling, Youngjae grunting playfully when Daehyun finally catches him, throwing them onto the bed.  The elder is straddling him, asking if Youngjae has any last words.  The younger makes a snarky comment about Daehyun’s big nose and they smile before the elder drops a dollop of the white substance all over Youngjae’s face.  There is shock in the younger, his eyebrows furrowed as if saying  _you’re fucking dead, Jung Daehyun._ And now, it is Daehyun running around, trying to get away from his lover’s wrath.  When Youngjae finally catches him, he pulls back at his shirt and they fall in a heap on the floor.  They’re happy, Daehyun thinks as he takes another swig of his drink.   _They are what we should have been._

Daehyun leans his head back onto the wall as he closes his eyes.  He has a raging head ache as his phone dings, alerting him of new emails and messages that he needs to attend to.  He wants to forget for one moment of who he is and just drown in his misery for once.  Daehyun hates his life, hates what he’s become.  He has no one; he’s alone in the world and has himself to thank for it.  Daehyun doesn’t know how many times he’s wished he could rewind time and stop everything from happening.  It’s been so long since Daehyun had been truly happy.  He can’t remember the last time he’s smiled genuinely.  He’s become cold and hard, with the only consolation that he gets to let himself free when he’s at home, finishing his pack of beer in one sitting.  He’s ruined so many lives, including his own, and he doesn’t know what to do with himself.  Everyone tells him to just move on, but the thing is that Daehyun doesn’t want to.  He knows he could be happier if he just forgets, but how can he?  Youngjae had been the one thing in his life he refused to live without, but he was the one who pushed him away.  Daehyun is forced to live in a world without Youngjae, one that he thought would never come. 

He’s cradling his last bottle of beer when another image appears before him.  This time, it’s just Youngjae in a large white sweater, a smile spread widely across his face.  He crouches down to Daehyun and tilts his head. 

_“I love you, Daehyun.”_

Daehyun lets out a strangled breath as he bites at his lower lip, his eyes brimming with tears.  He looks away as his fingers curl tightly around the glass, his heart beat thrumming faster and faster.

_“Aren’t you going to look at me?”_

Daehyun shakes his head, too afraid to answer.  He keeps his eyes fixated to the corner of the wall, his mind hazy.

_“Do you hate me?”_

 No, never. 

Daehyun turns his head rapidly to reply, his arm stretched out to grab onto Youngjae, but his fingers are met with nothing but air, the tears falling gently down his face. 

“No,” he mumbles to himself before he starts to frantically search the room, his eyes moving from one corner to the next.  But it’s all in vain when Daehyun realizes he’s been alone all this time, his mind playing another trick on him.

Daehyun grunts out of frustration and throws the bottle onto the floor, glass shards shattering along the room.  He breaks down as he falls to his knees, a chilling scream ripping through his lungs.  He hates himself, what he’s done, and now he’s reduced to nothing but a lonely vagabond trying to make it through.  He’s missed his chances at happiness, and regrets everything.  The pain is the only thing that can lull him to sleep now, where he can at least forget for a little while, until he has to open his eyes and the horrid truth of reality sinks back in. 

*          *          *

Daehyun is thirty-six when he feels his heart stop as the hands of the clock freeze in time.  He’s at a bar to let loose for a while, looking around for a possible one-night lover to help take the pain away.  But as his eyes scan the room, he sees a familiar face sit a few chairs away from him.  His breath hitches when he looks at plump lips and a button nose, dark hair that falls over his eye lashes and porcelain skin beneath dark clothing.   _He’s still beautiful,_  Daehyun thinks as he continues to stare.  He’s never looked at anyone so fucking gorgeous as Yoo Youngjae.  There are some fine creases here and there, but nothing has changed.  He is still the same Youngjae he loves, the same Youngjae that he has never forgotten.

Daehyun can hardly believe what he is seeing when he rubs his eyes, the other now staring back at him.  His heart stops as the blood rushes to his head, a moment of panic running through Daehyun’s mind as intense dark eyes gaze back at him.  They are unmoving when Daehyun’s own falters, too ashamed to continue to look into the eyes of the man he’s desperately wanted to see.  He wants to get up and run away, but his body stays stoic, refusing to move.  Daehyun can feel his chest heaving as he swallows heavily, the other moving closer to him.

“Hey,” the younger says smoothly as he sits by Daehyun.  Youngjae’s form is rigid as he fakes a smile towards the other, his hand reaching to take another sip of his drink.

The elder can feel sweat trickling down the side of his face as he forgets to breathe, his hands so tense that his knuckles are turning white.  He’s been dreaming of this moment for far too long, but now that it’s here, he doesn’t know what to do.  “H-Hi,” Daehyun replies as he bites at his lower lip, ducking his head down.

“How have you been?” Youngjae asks.

“Ah, I’ve been good,” Daehyun tries to smile.  “What about you?”

“I’m okay.  Just broke up with my boyfriend.  Guess I have a thing for assholes.” 

Daehyun feels as if knives are being stabbed into his chest, like the whole world is caving in on him again.  Of course Youngjae wouldn’t be single.  He’s attractive and has everything going for him.  Daehyun knows that he shouldn’t be jealous, he has no right after what he’s done, but he can’t help it.  Youngjae is everything he’s ever wanted, and it makes his skin crawl to think that someone else has taken his place.

“I missed you, Youngjae.  So much,” Daehyun stammers as he tries to look the other in the eyes.  The words come out so quickly that he doesn’t even know that he’s said them by the time they leave his lips.  He watches with a heavy heart as the contours of Youngjae’s face start to distort, a pain in his chest rising when the worst starts to fill his mind.  Daehyun doesn’t know what is running through the younger’s mind, and he doesn’t want to.  He’s afraid to find out, but as the silence starts to envelope the two, it’s slowly starting to eat at his mind.

“Please,” Daehyun croaks. “Please say something,  _anything_.  It’s killing me to just look at you, watching the way you’re pulling away from me.”  His voice is shaky as his fingers thrum across his thighs, his teeth clenched so tight that he can barely move his jaw.

There is a sad smile on Youngjae’s face as he carefully puts his hand atop Daehyun’s, the elder’s breath hitching at the sudden contact.  “I missed you too.”

There is a tension that’s been building since they’ve caught each other’s eye.  But now, it’s been broken by a single tear rolling down Youngjae’s face as he tries to look away, his hand reaching up to wipe at his skin.

“S-Sorry, I thought I could play it cool, but I guess not,” Youngjae says through a weary voice.  He sounds so tired, Daehyun thinks, like he’s almost been put through the same hell as the elder.

“Why are you crying?” Daehyun interjects as he moves closer, his hand placed gently over the other’s cheek.  It’s a bold move and the elder knows it, but he can’t help but sigh happily when he feels Youngjae’s skin beneath his own, a soothing feeling that he thought he’d never encounter again.  The younger is so fragile that Daehyun holds his breath as he starts to rub his finger beneath his eye, wary that any sudden movement could set the other off.  But Daehyun risks it anyways, to prolong this moment because he doesn’t know when this will happen again.

Youngjae stills at first from the sudden contact, but then calms after a while, soon leaning into the elder’s hand.  “I’ve missed you too much.  I can’t even breathe right now.  Are you really here, Daehyun?” the younger smiles through tearful eyes.

And soon, there are soft lips meeting Youngjae’s, hands frozen as they try to figure where to go.  But there is a soft haze that overtakes Daehyun as he pushes his body up to the other, a soft whimper coming from Youngjae as he feels their tears start to intermix.  Daehyun can feel some apprehension lingering in Youngjae’s touch, but he still pushes forward, cherishing this moment until it ends.  But it doesn’t, because he can feel the younger’s hands snake their way up the elder’s back, Youngjae’s fingers gripping tightly into Daehyun’s shirt.  The elder pulls him in closer, barely going up to breathe for fear that everything would be gone in an instant.  There is just so much that Daehyun wants to say, so many unsaid words bursting to be spoken, but everything feels so good, so  _right._   He can’t let go now, not when he finally has Youngjae in his arms.  It’s a dream that he doesn’t want to wake up from, his mind begging for time to run a little slower, for fate to give him one more chance.

It doesn’t take long for Daehyun to pull away and tug at the younger’s hand, pulling them out of the bar and into Daehyun’s apartment.  There is a warm silence that entraps them in the car ride home, Daehyun fingers interlacing with Youngjae’s so tightly, to keep the other from leaving.  There is a tinge of possessiveness in Daehyun’s actions as he’s not ready to let this go just yet.  He wants to touch Youngjae, to feel him.  He wants to show the younger how much he loves him; how much he’s missed him.  He’s only got this once last chance, and he hopes to use it for as long as he can.

When they finally push through Daehyun’s doors, their lips meet in a heated kiss as they battle their way to the elder’s room.  It’s hot and passionate, neither able to get their hands off one another.  The elder has Youngjae pinned to the bed, their clothes scattered along the floor.  Daehyun’s hands are gently sliding along Youngjae’s smooth skin, his eyes searching for permission.  But before Daehyun can even ask, Youngjae leans up to kiss the elder, wrapping his legs around Daehyun’s waist.  Daehyun’s heart stops at this, his pupils dilated as he looks down and swallows thickly.  He’s scared.  He’s afraid that this all could disappear in one moment and his heart will be torn to shreds.  He can feel his chest heaving as he clenches his fists, whispering apologies into Youngjae’s ear as he leans down, attaching his lips to the other’s neck.

When Daehyun finally pushes in, he lays his chest on top of Youngjae’s, their foreheads pressed together.  There is a slow rhythm and it’s like time has frozen, leaving the two as the only ones left in the world.  Daehyun looks down into Youngjae’s eyes, speaking unsaid words of love as he lets the tears fall onto the other, his hips picking up speed.  The younger is moaning the other’s name, and Daehyun has never felt so good.  A sense of euphoria pricks at his skin, sending his mind into overdrive as he feels the other arch at his touch, fingers scraping at his back.  Youngjae pulls Daehyun into his embrace quickly when they both release, Daehyun’s lips kissing every inch of Youngjae’s face as their hot breaths intermix. 

Daehyun rolls off of the younger and wraps Youngjae in his arms, just as he’s done time and time again in his dreams.  His movements are rigid for fear that Youngjae could leave any minute, but he does so anyways because everything feels so right.  He wants to hold Youngjae, kiss him,  _love_ him.  He wants to pull him so close to his side and never let him go, because this is what’s he’s always wanted, what he needs.  This is where he belongs, and he only prays that Youngjae feels the same way because Daehyun might go crazy if he has to see the younger leave him again.

Daehyun presses a smile into the younger’s back, but it soon falls when he feels Youngjae moving away, his legs now draped over the edge of the bed.  Daehyun can feel his breath go shallow as he sits up, his heart beat quickening to a staccato pace.  The other’s body is cold and unmoving as Daehyun stares at it, his throat feeling so swollen that he can’t even swallow.

“Please, don’t go,” the elder says as he grabs at Youngjae’s arm, desperation hidden beneath his pleas.

“This was a mistake,” the younger says.  Daehyun’s heart drops at these words, his hand falling to the sheets.  He can’t feel anything, hear anything.  His mind is set abuzz as his vision goes hazy, unknown tears clouding his sight.  He feels as if his arm has been ripped out, like his whole world has crashed into this one moment.

“No, no.  Please don’t say that.  I love you,” he cries as he tries to move closer to the other, a final attempt in keeping Youngjae from leaving him again.

Youngjae turns around slowly, his lips trembling.  “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to hear that from you.  But look where this love has gotten us.  You don’t know what it’s like, Daehyun.  I’ve loved you all my life, and I should be so happy right now, but why do I feel like I’m dying, gasping for air?  It’s like there is a noose tightening around my neck just by looking at you.  I don’t even know  _how_  to love you anymore.  It’s been so long, but the wounds haven’t even started to heal yet.”

“I know, I know.  This is all my fucking fault, but you have to know that I mean every word I’ve said.  I am truly, unbelievably sorry.  If I can turn back time, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I can’t.  I can only apologize and beg for your forgiveness.  It’s been hell ever since you left.  I see you in everything, I imagine you here with me.  I sometimes think I’m going crazy because of you, because I love you.  I’ve never stopped, Youngjae.  You have always been in my thoughts, in everything I do.  I can’t even fucking breathe without remembering how much I’ve fucked up.  I live everyday like a chore, an endless cycle that I can’t get out of.  I want you, Youngjae.  I want everything about you. Your button nose, your heart shaped lips, your snarky comments, your beautiful smile.  I don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t just keep living like this.  Please, I  _need_  you.”

“I want to believe you, Daehyun.  God, you don’t know how much I want to just curl up into your arms and forget everything.  But how can I?  You’ve treated me like I was nothing, like my feelings were nothing.  It would be so much easier to just forgive you, to move on with you.  But it’s hard.  You’re asking me to peel back the walls that you’ve made me build.  I love you, I do, Daehyun.  But I just don’t know how to anymore when all I feel is pain whenever I look at your face.”

“Then don’t leave.  Stay, here, with me.  Let me love you, Youngjae.  Let me take care of you.  Let me fix everything I’ve broken, let me atone for all the pain I’ve caused you.  Let me replace all your bruises with love bites and sweet kisses.  Let me love you please, Youngjae.  I’ve been waiting so long to just hold you in my arms, just please.  Don’t leave,” Daehyun says as he brings the other into his arms, his breaths shallow and sharp as he anticipates the other’s answer.

“I can’t,” Youngjae says a he shakes his head.  “I don’t know if I can forgive you yet.”

Daehyun parts to bring Youngjae’s face to his.  His hand is rested upon the younger’s cheek as he smiles through bitter tears, his lip trembling as he takes in a breath.  “If I tell you I love you, will you still push me away?  Because I love you with every fucking breath I have in me.  I know that you still love me too, or else we wouldn’t be here.  Please, Youngjae, don’t fight this.  Give in to me, please.  I love you.”

Youngjae swipes his tongue out to lick at his chapped lips, his resolve soon faltering as he looks into Daehyun’s sincere eyes.  He’s breathing heavily as Daehyun looks anxiously at him.  There are tears blanketing his face as he blinks furiously, his mouth agape and trembling.  There are small whimpers that Daehyun knows the younger is trying to hide, and this all makes Daehyun’s heart fall into his chest.  How could he have hurt someone so much?  He starts to curse at his own being, telling himself that all he does is destroy.  He’s the reason why neither of them are happy, why both have a gaping hole in their chests refusing to be filled.  But he’s desperate, he needs Youngjae.  He isn’t afraid to beg because at this point, begging is all he’s got left if he wants Youngjae to stay. But he thinks that’s okay, because no amount of pride could be worth having to see Youngjae walk away from him again.  Daehyun thinks he’d rather carve his eyes out than see that again.

“Please, I’ve got nothing left to offer but my heart and promise that I will never hurt you again.  I promise to love you, to protect you.  Because we’re best friends, right, Jae?  Best friends are supposed to stick together,” Daehyun croaks as he caresses the other’s cheek.

“You’ve already made that promise, Dae.  And you’ve already broken it, so many times,” Youngjae whimpers.

“I’m making this promise as a lover then, one that I will never break.  If you’ll have me, I’ll love you into our next life, and every life after that.  Please, Youngjae.  I don’t think I can go on living without you,” he pleads.

Youngjae only cries as Daehyun speaks, unable to answer.  But he’s nodding his head as he leans further into the elder’s hold, a reluctant sigh pushing past trembling lips.  Daehyun pulls the other close, his hands rubbing soothing circles into his back.  He’s holding tightly onto Youngjae in case he somehow disappears. 

“I love you,” Daehyun whispers into Youngjae’s soft hair.

The younger shivers as he brings his arms around Daehyun, hesitant fingers clutching desperately at the elder’s skin.  He’s breathing hard, his face wet with tears.  But he nods slowly, pressing a chaste kiss into Daehyun’s chest.

*          *          *

Daehyun is thirty-six and a half when he takes another trip to Jeju Island.  He is walking hand in hand with Youngjae, smiles brimming at their faces.  They are at the beach, hands busily working at the sand beneath them, pushing the grains into buckets and carving out the details.  Daehyun brings Youngjae into his chest when they are done, a row of sandcastles now at their feet.  He leans down and kisses Youngjae, his arms wounding tighter as he pulls at his lover, carrying him into the ocean before he releases his grip and drops the other into the water. 

They’re laughing and shouting, Youngjae cursing at his lover’s existence as Daehyun cheekily runs around, pulling Youngjae in once more to kiss him again, whispering three little words he never gets tired of saying.  They watch the sun set and lay back into the sand, their bodies shivering from the wet clothes.  But neither seems to care as they look at each other, smiling like fools.  Daehyun brings his hand up to Youngjae’s hair, his index finger playing at his lover’s dark strands.  We’re happy, Daehyun thinks as he pulls the younger in and kisses him, his hands trailing down the smooth skin.  They smile again and Daehyun is saying something stupid again, but Youngjae forgives him when the elder kisses his lips, telling him those words that Youngjae loves to hear.

_I love you._


End file.
